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From Good Girl to Wise Woman "Well-behaved women rarely make history." — Eleanor Roosevelt by Lynn Marlow One time, a number of years ago, I was working with a woman who was trying to move herself out of the stifling, dissatisfying life place that she was in. “When I was little,” she said, “they told me that if I did what I was told, and worked hard, and was nice to everybody, that I’d be happy and good things would happen to me.” “They lied.” At first I was taken aback. But she had the courage to speak the truth of her own experience, and, as it turns out, mine as well. She got right to the heart of the myth that so many women of my generation were taught. This woman’s blunt observation, and the hard-won progress she made when she started respecting herself and her feelings more, have always stuck with me. If you’re a woman close to my age (51), I’m betting that you know exactly what I’m talking about. We grew up in the early days of feminism and the women’s movement, at a time when women’s options for education and work were still somewhat limited, and stereotypes were commonplace. Some of us were praised and rewarded for being “Good Girls.” You know who you are. We were polite, did well in school, helped out around the house, and rarely misbehaved. For years, we believed that being a Good Girl was the way to get through life. No matter how many times we ended up with the worst jobs, or felt our feelings were overlooked, we still believed that we’d be rewarded someday for following the rules, and not making waves. Our Good Girl became an everpresent and permanent part of ourselves. She set the standards for our behavior, even after it became clear that the rewards for our compliance weren’t pouring in. It wasn’t until we were adults - maybe well into adulthood - that we began to get this sinking sensation that maybe being a Good Girl wasn’t working out so well. If being a Good Girl was so great, then how come the women who broke the rules, or at least broke the mold, were the ones who got ahead, who got the great jobs, the most exciting lives, the respect, and the admiration of others? |
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For much of my life, my Good Girl believed that the wise thing was to be responsible, be polite, work hard, and make sure that I did all I could to make the people around me happy. I hated conflict, and really, really hated to disappoint anyone. I was extremely uneasy with being different, or an outcast, although I have to say that I felt like one much of the time. Why was it that the harder I tried to be acceptable, the more I felt like I wasn’t fully embraced by those around me? I think now, from my wise older woman perch, that the outcast feeling I lived with came not from being unacceptable, or different from everyone else, but from being disconnected from the true essence of who I was. And for the last few years, since letting go of those old expectations and rules for living, I’ve been, bit by bit, making the connection with myself strong. “What does this have to do with creativity?” you might very well ask. Good question. It’s my belief that creativity is the expression of your inner self. The more you’re worried about being a Good Girl, or pleasing others, the less creative you are. But the more you let yourself be truly creative, and take the risk to do something that not everyone will approve of, the more authentic you become. And the more you come to enjoy the colorful, quirky person you are inside. Women who break the rules are willing to let their creative energy flow out. They are sometimes entertaining, sometimes aggravating, but always surprising and interesting. Your parents may have told you that the world wanted you to be a Good Girl, but the truth is that the world just wants you to be you — warts and all. Another reason why women who break the rules get ahead is that they’re willing to take risks. If you pay attention, you’ll see that they don’t always win, and that their risks don’t always pay off. But taking risks, coloring outside the lines pays off often enough to make it more than worthwhile. Please note that I’m not suggesting that you have to go to the opposite extreme, and become rude, obnoxious, or felonious. The place where you’ll feel happier and more respected is in that wonderful, balanced center. Respect the feelings and needs of others, and by all means help out when you can. But also respect your own feelings and needs. When you feel resentful or taken advantage of, that’s your inner cue that you need to set a limit, or say, “No.” So sit down next to your inner Good Girl, and take her by the hand. Thank her for all her hard work, for being so smart and so thoughtful, and helping you get along with lots of people. Then smile at her, and tell her that, now that you’re grown up, nobody is going to get annoyed at you for coloring outside the lines. Give her a big hug, a kiss on the cheek, a big smile, and a big paintbrush. And tell her you want her to get messy. Then go play. The Coaching Bit Try to do one little thing every day that your Good Girl wouldn’t do. It doesn’t have to be a big thing. If you start very, very small, facing your fears little by little, you’ll feel your courage grow. And when the opportunity presents itself for you to take a big Wild Woman step, to let your creativity bloom, you’ll be ready. Some suggestions for coloring outside the lines:
Ask your Good Girl what she’d love to do if she knew, for sure, that she wouldn’t get in trouble for it. Then give yourself permission to break the old rules. Write and let me know how you were able to color outside the lines.
©2006 Creativity Unbound |
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