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"The Secret," the Law of Attraction, and Controlling Your Destiny by Lynn Marlow
The Law of Attraction states that whatever you focus on comes to you. It’s based on the assumption that “like attracts like,” that if you think like a successful person, and focus only on successful outcomes, you will attract success. The Law of Attraction suggests that we have limitless power to create what we want in our lives through our mental energy and focus. I’ve always believed that, on a very fundamental level, we have the power to create our own reality and our own future. I believe strongly in the power that each of us has to live an authentic and satisfying life. I’ve known people who are open to joy and possibility, and who seem to draw into their lives opportunities, support, and success. By the same token, I’ve known people who are crippled by pessimism and self doubt, who don’t recognize opportunities when they are presented, or are too frightened to take advantage of them. I know that our world view, and view of ourselves, creates our reality, affects how others see us, and helps to direct our lives, consciously or unconsciously. I have to confess. I haven’t read The Secret™. I’ve read some articles about it, had some friends and colleagues recommend it, and glanced at a copy the last time I was at Costco. To be honest, I was trying to save myself the $18.99. But I’ve seen enough to know that there are some things about The Secret™, and the Law of Attraction, that I think are right on the money, and potentially incredibly powerful and effective for most people. It has at its core some concepts that can produce life changing growth, and enhance healthy risk taking. But I’m also concerned that the way those concepts are put forward in The Secret™, at best, undermines the true power we have to influence our own lives, and, at worst, perpetuates a culture of selfishness and self-blame that rises from an overblown sense of control. Most of you have probably heard or read the Serenity Prayer, the prayer used regularly and with great positive impact in AA and other 12-step meetings all over the world.
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I love the intention and the message of this prayer. The concept of knowing wisely what you can and cannot control, and using your energy wisely to influence the things you can, is a foundation of the work I do in psychotherapy and in coaching. I believe that one of the dysfunctions that plague many of us is that we try to control things and people and events that we truly have no control over. One of the great joys of midlife has been my increasing capacity to let go, and to embrace powerlessness as part of my reality. It’s the first time in my life I’ve felt both powerless and strong at the same time. So it concerns me that the belief system behind The Secret™ assumes that we have control not only over ourselves and our perceptions, but over others, our physical environment, and the future. As appealing as this promise of limitless control may be, I think it’s dangerous to assume that control brings success and fulfillment. Not only is it possible to feel powerless and strong at the same time, it’s absolutely necessary to be cognizant of your powerlessness in order for you to feel your most strong and powerful, and to use your energy most effectively. Let me illustrate what I mean. Your boss tells you to go into the conference room where someone has released a cage full of mice (15, at least). He says that it’s your job to gather up all the mice and put them into the cage before the board meets in 15 minutes. If the mice thing is more than you can tolerate, then imagine that it’s your job to corral 15 frisky little kittens. Anyway, you, being the loyal and hardworking employee you are, plunge into your assignment with gusto. 10 minutes later, though, you realize that you’ve only caught 3 or 4 mice, and that each time you put one into the cage, there’s a 50-50 chance that one of the already-caught ones will escape. The board will be here at any minute, and the room is still full of mice. Now here are the two internal scenarios:
You have (irrationally) held on to the notion of control. You have clung to the belief that you could control a situation that was very clearly outside of your control. And by working even harder to control it, you ended up feeling increasingly incompetent and powerless. You probably felt guilty, and felt like the boss would be justified in being displeased, so when you told him about it, he picked up on your mood, and blamed you for embarrassing the office and letting him down. And you probably still felt angry, either at your boss or at yourself, for the rest of the day, if not longer.
You have let go of control. You have accepted that your power to catch mice is limited, but that your power to solve the problem is not. You have reframed the task, have asked for help, and have arrived at a creative solution to the problem. At the end of the day, you probably felt relieved and rather proud of your resourcefulness. You expect that your boss will be grateful that you have found a solution, and if he’s not, you know that’s his problem. By letting go of control, you feel calmer, more empowered, more creative, and less angry. That’s the inherent power/control paradox. The more we try to control things outslde of ourselves, the more out of control we feel. And when we let go, accepting that our control is limited, we feel calmer and more empowered. The Secret™, with its extreme (in my opinion) interpretation of the Law of Attraction, posits that you can bring money into your bank account by focusing your attention on a high bank balance. It suggests that you can find a parking space by envisioning a parking space. It suggests that you have control over all sorts of things that you really don’t have control over, if you try hard enough. And the danger is that by focusing on magically controlling what is outside of us, we miss out on some pretty powerful ways to empower ourselves by changing what is within. It isn’t that the results reported in The Secret™ are false or unimportant. It’s that The Secret™ attributes the change and success to the wrong things. There is no question that some people who have read The Secret™ are completely blown away by its message. Just reading some of the testimonials is enough to convince almost anyone that your attention and energy can change your reality. But what if your attention and energy are not changing your reality, but only your perception of it? Sure, sometimes you’ll envision that empty parking space, and, lo and behold! a space is right there at the main entrance to the mall. But, just as often, you’ll have to work a little harder. My guess is that the people who believe the premise of The Secret™ don’t experience good parking karma any more frequently than the rest of us do. But there is one big difference. They expect and believe that envisioning an empty space will get them an empty space. So when a space does appear, their beliefs are confirmed. They become fully convinced that the Law of Attraction got them that space. And if, by chance, they couldn’t find a space right away, they either dismissed that event as an anomaly, or told themselves that their fear of not getting a space got in the way. See how this works? What we experience validates and confirms what we already believe. Let’s say that on 50% of my trips to the mall I find a good space and 50% of the time I have to drive around forever or park in the boonies. If I believe in the Law of Attraction, I’ll believe that half the time I was instrumental in attracting the parking space, and 50% of the time I just wasn’t focused enough. But if I believe that I’m destined for disappointment, or that the universe has it in for me, then I’ll believe that the good parking spaces were flukes, and the other 50% of the time, the universe was proving its contempt for me. If, as human beings, we are hard wired to look for events and experiences that confirm our deeply held beliefs (and my experiences say that we are), then that also means that when we change our deeply held beliefs about ourselves and the world, then our experience of the world will change as well. OK, so you you can’t control the universe. You can’t control what other people choose to do, and you can’t control whether or not someone pulls out of the parking space near the door right before you drive by. But the really good news is that sometimes changing just your expectations, and your perception of the universe, is more than enough. We don’t have to believe that we actually caused that parking space to open up. But we do need to feel gratitude for the little blessings, like parking spaces, that cross our path with amazing regularity, once we choose to see them. We need to believe that as much good exists as bad, as much success as disappointment, and that happiness comes, in part, from being grateful. You control what you pay attention to. You control whether you give credence to the blessings and happy surprises that come to you. You control whether you feel gratitude for the abundance of the universe, or resentment that all isn’t the way you want it to be. For me, that’s the heart of the Law of Attraction. If you harbor the fear, or the assumption, that the abundance of the world is not available to you, that you don’t deserve good things, or that you are destined to be disappointed, then you notice the things that reinforce that belief. You may miss opportunities, or take fewer risks. You may pay little attention to the gifts and surprises in your life, believing them to be flukes, or convincing yourself that they can’t last. You may be much more inclined to pay attention to the disappointments, endowing them with great significance. If you see the universe as abundant, generous, and filled with possibilities, you tend to feel happier, more grateful for what you have, and more willing to take risks and explore adventurously what the universe has to offer. In the process, many more wonderful things can come your way. When you are willing to ask for what you need, to work toward your goals, and to persevere in the face of disappointment, you are much more likely to create the life you desire, and live with joy and satisfaction. The universe is full of blessings and disappointments, of joys and hurts. The universe isn’t good or bad, nor does it harbor the intention to help or harm us. It exists in all its complexity, and we take the good or the bad from it. Of all the species of the world, it is only human beings who are so arrogant to think that we have the right to judge the universe as loving or dangerous, benign or evil. What we see in the world is only a projection of our own experience, and of our own beliefs. Here's the Coaching Bit — As you go through your life over the next few days, pay attention to what you look at, what you give significance to, and what you tend to dismiss. Notice whether you seek out the blessings and successes, or are constantly on the lookout for disappointment and hurt. If you find that you often feel underwhelmed by what is around you, that you can’t believe in the abundance of the universe or feel gratitude for what you have, here are some things to try: 1) Harboring anger is often a sign of trying to control what you cannot, and it often causes more harm than good. Anger causes health problems, feeds unhappiness, and disrupts relationships. The next time you find yourself filled with anger about something someone else has done, ask yourself these questions:
If the answer to any of these questions is “No,” then you only harm yourself by hanging on to the anger. Breathe and calm your body. Let it go, and find your power by acknowledging and centering yourself, and by finding effective and meaningful ways to move forward. 2) Try this simple meditation. Sit comfortably, with your eyes closed, and allow yourself to be fully in the present moment. Breathe deeply and focus your awareness on your breathing. Say to yourself:
When you open your eyes, see the gifts that are around you. 3) Open your heart to gratitude. Every day, or every time you hear yourself complaining about something, also find something for which you’re grateful. It might be the smile of a friend or loved one, a beautiful flower or sky, or the fact that your pants fit. Stop for a moment and say thank you. The more gratitude you feel, the more blessings you will see. The more blessings you see, the more you ask for what you want and the more you extend your energy into the world. And the more you extend your energy into the world, the more positive experiences, successes, and happiness will come your way. And that's the secret.
©2006 Creativity Unbound
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